Out of this poverty I've developed greed. And maybe greed is a good thing? It helps people to get to a point of survival and into security. It certainly helps people aspire for more. Maybe more than they thought were capable of ever acquiring.

This heart that I followed has left me so hollow
That was then, this is now 
- Lifehouse

Maybe reluctance to forgive is a defense mechanism. To settle in familiar grudge is better than going out of that place of comfort and exposing yourself for more possible hurt. What reason is there to go through that again?

So then why is it easier to forgive some more than others? For me, my brother is always here... annoying, boorish... just the sound of his voice grating to my ears. I am terse with him, and if he pries for more conversation I am quick to yell. Later on in afterthought--times such as now--I justify myself with no intention of doing so; I randomly remember times of him mistreating me, making me cry, of me giving him money when he needed it. But I can remember often times of other select people treating me badly as well. However, the difference between my brother and them is that at the end of every affront, they walked away with my forgiveness. Maybe I had loved them more? Or maybe I have grown less forgiving from that time to today--where I have taken the advice of unrelenting and headstrong friends and the attitude of today's society or generation of entitlement to self-respect and self-dignity. 

All I know is that I have developed callousness 

EMBRACE CONFRONTATION.

I need to embrace confrontation, not shy away from it.

Recent events these past months could have played differently if I were stronger and not afraid to speak for what I want--when I know I want it--rather than allowing others to choose or guide me. I guess because a lot more variables come into play in the summer than the routine of school.

I think what I'm finally learning is that everything in life takes work. Why didn't I realize this before when I did well in high school? I guess teachers telling me what to do made it easier for me, my mom helping me to wake up and take the bus made it easier, the structure, the rules... I was so obedient to the rules! 

Now when I was told to make my own rules and learn to succeed from them, I failed. I didn't grasp that I had to put in greater effort and to sort of believe in things and me, not just to go with the flow or do what is told of me. I feel like I'm behind in this realization and I have to make up a lot to get to some kind of security--security in a career, security in the future, security in my family's future. My GPA is mediocre and certainly unimpressive compared to the majority of bright students in my major and I don't have a career-related job (let's not even get started about having a job period) which is stressed a lot amongst friends and professors: get as much experience as you can, it helps to stand you out. So I'm starting to gulp a little here as I think, I could've done things differently my three years spent in college other than reveling in the freedom I finally possessed and not thinking of or making for the future. 

And here, one of the few of what I gleaned during college, that every essay needs a "so what" ending:

Besides the obvious goal of wanting to work harder next semester, I want to save for the future. I don't want to see my parent's worry. I want to provide them security. I want to save and have that comfort knowing I have that much saved. I want to limit what time and money I spend on frivolous social things to things that matter with the people that matter. I want to be boring and not care that I am boring. I want to be proud of accomplishments, of myself. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore. 

I'm trying to make my own rules...