I think what I'm finally learning is that everything in life takes work. Why didn't I realize this before when I did well in high school? I guess teachers telling me what to do made it easier for me, my mom helping me to wake up and take the bus made it easier, the structure, the rules... I was so obedient to the rules! Now when I was told to make my own rules and learn to succeed from them, I failed. I didn't grasp that I had to put in greater effort and to sort of believe in things and me, not just to go with the flow or do what is told of me. I feel like I'm behind in this realization and I have to make up a lot to get to some kind of security--security in a career, security in the future, security in my family's future. My GPA is mediocre and certainly unimpressive compared to the majority of bright students in my major and I don't have a career-related job (let's not even get started about having a job period) which is stressed a lot amongst friends and professors: get as much experience as you can, it helps to stand you out. So I'm starting to gulp a little here as I think, I could've done things differently my three years spent in college other than reveling in the freedom I finally possessed and not thinking of or making for the future. And here, one of the few of what I gleaned during college, that every essay needs a "so what" ending: Besides the obvious goal of wanting to work harder next semester, I want to save for the future. I don't want to see my parent's worry. I want to provide them security. I want to save and have that comfort knowing I have that much saved. I want to limit what time and money I spend on frivolous social things to things that matter with the people that matter. I want to be boring and not care that I am boring. I want to be proud of accomplishments, of myself. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore. I'm trying to make my own rules... |